new beginnings suck

I don't think I can honestly explain how bad this to summer has been. I'm going to try, but its hard to convey just how sucky I have felt the majority of the time; and we're only three weeks in. I made a list of reasons as to why it has been so bad, and yes, I made this list on my own, on my bed, in my baggy jumper with greasy hair and no makeup, which in its self represents my past three weeks. As for my list, these are the reasons I am positively jumping to go back to school:

1. I've lost the majority of the people I used to call close friends.
2. I've lost my best friend.
3. I've gained ten pounds.
4. My acne has returned.
5. I moved gymnastics club, so I have to start again, with my friends, my training, the lot.
6. I can count the number of times I've gone out with people- that aren't my mum- on one hand.
7. I cannot find a job, but my education maintenance allowance has been postponed till I go back to school, therefore I'm skint.
8. I think I'm becoming depressed.

These things may seem so trivial, but they add up. I have all but no friends, so I don't go out: I don't go out, so I sit and eat, hence I put on weight: I eat bad foods, and a lot of them, so my skin got bad: my skin and weight are shit right now, so on the rare occasion I do get invited out, I don't want to go and generally make excuses: so I do nothing. And mentally, I'm getting more and more messed up. I can feel it, and I'm trying to stop it, I really am, but it feels as though I make an effort and it doesn't work. I just fall down again, and I'm scared one of these times I am not going to be able to get back up. I'm not too sure what a blog is going to do, but in all honesty, this summer would have been a whole lot darker if I didn't have the mounds of fashion and health and beauty blogs to trawl through, so even if I could feel like I was talking to, reaching out, being listened to, by just one person, it might give me the motivation to pick myself back up.

I'm going to reverse every one of those items on my list. Well, maybe not reverse some of them as such, but at least counteract them, and I'm going to improve my life. I have one more year left of high school before I go to university, and I want it to be a good one, so if I need to spend the remainder of my summer trying to fix the mess I got myself into in order to ensure a good year, then I will, I have to. I'm going to take one small step at a time, even if it means tiny ones. I made my first one at lunchtime today: I booked in for a spray tan tomorrow. It may seem small and almost insignificant, but its a start. Baby steps, that is all.

Please, although my posts lack substance and are full of general complaining, hopefully when my outlook gets better so will my blog. Until then, go ahead and follow, make yourself feel better knowing theres someone out there having a worse summer than you are?!

chin up but,
Kirsty